Microfiction: Krampus Switching to Clean Coal

In a press conference this week, Krampus, the shadowy companion to St. Nicholas, announced that beginning in the 2017 holiday season, clean coal is now standard in all gift giving to bad children, and that this will continue indefinitely.

“It’s the children who were naughty, not the planet,” the dark lord of yuletide said in his prepared remarks. “I am deeply concerned about the health of the Earth. Though I may endure for millennia in the hidden fears of youth, the environment is fragile and must be considered in my actions as well.”

Krampus then added that all switches (the wooden sticks traditionally given to bad children as encouragement for their parents to beat them with) have always been a renewable resource. “They are harvested with sustainability in mind. I, Krampus, keep a close eye on the whole operation, just as I keep a close eye on the sinners of the world. That means I’m watching you. ALL of you.”

Reporters had no follow-up questions, and the briefing room emptied quickly.

(Note: This story originally appeared in 2013 in The Grimm Report, a satrical fairytale newssite edited by Eric Wilder. I'm reposting it here because TGR is, alas, no more.)